I can't wait to go to bed..

I originally started this blog as a way to help me sort out my thoughts about life. I plan to do that today in this entry.

So it's Easter. Easter has always been one of those special holidays to me. Not because of the eggs, bunnies, or baskets...but because of the story of the Resurrection of Christ. I never really got into believing in the Easter bunny and always knew that there wasn't one (sorry to burst your bubble Dad). I am not really into stressing to my kids that there is a creepy bunny that comes into the house and leaves eggs and a basket. The Resurrection of Christ is so very important to Christians and to be masked by a bunny just doesn't see right for me.

We had a great service at church today. Nothing fancy, nothing frilly, nothing padded. The basic (but much needed) "Jesus came and died for everyone" teaching. We are all broken and very fragile. Jesus came to earth and died for everyone of us so we can be saved. He loves us unconditionally and that concept is so far beyond our thinking. I am so glad and thankful I was reminded of his love for us because today, I needed it more than ever. I think that is the only thing that got me through this day. I know for a friend of mine, she needed this reminder as well. It was a special service to me.

Now, a little what is going on with me...

So, I have been up for a solid 18 hours. I am not sleeping very well...especially this week. I have had an emotional week with lots of things that are coming up to 1 year since my mom's diagnose of Cancer. This week, my family has been hit with many firsts. Yes, we have had our firsts since my mom's death, but I think this week I personally was hit the hardest. My parents 56Th wedding anniversary was March 19Th. Even though my mom is no longer with us, it still was their anniversary. The love my dad still has for my mom is like no other. It is amazing. Today (23rd) marks the day my mom went into the hospital with pain in her left arm. It also is Easter, which is the last Holiday I spent with my mom. (Easter was a little later last year, so on Easter of last year, she was in her 6th day of radiation treatment). The 25th marks the day of her diagnosis in which changed all of our lives. A rough week.

From moment I woke up, I have been an emotional wreck. I tried to keep my mind off things by setting the table for our Easter dinner. (I know it is ok to feel what I am feeling, but when I get too worked up, I feel physically sick, and I didn't want to feel like that before church). Anyway, the tableware and decorations that I used was the same I used last year when I spent Easter with my parents. I noticed a stain from beets that my mom spilled on the table. It was still vibrant pinkish. She felt so bad about getting beets on my tablecloth. When getting the glassware out of the box, it was wrapped up into another tablecloth. My mom packed the glassware away for me last year. No matter what she packed, it was always packed REALLY, REALLY good! It made me chuckle...but of course, made me cry again.

So, off to church we go. Good service...great worship. Amazing Grace was sung. I thought I was going to lose it again. Yes, again, I know that it would have been ok, but whole "physical sickness when I get upset" plagues me. Amazing Grace was one of my mom's favorite songs and was the song that I sang to her immediately after her passing...Just me and her alone in the room. Even though that was the worse time of my life, It also was very special.

I have learned a lot about life this past year. I can't say I enjoyed the journey and the pain that has come with it. I know God is teaching me things for a reason. I hope it will be revealed to me in a BIG way someday. For now, I will be patient, take the pain when it comes, and hope that I become the person God wants me to be.

I am going to bed. I need prayer this week. If you think of it...please lift me up. These next few months are going to be tough with a lot more reminders of the days I don't want to go back on.


Easter 2007